nowhere to begin but at the end

So today was my last day of tutoring, and I was filled with bittersweet emotions - happiness and sadness washed over me at the same time, and I realized what it was that had happened in the past ten weeks. I had done something, I had made a difference, however small it may be, in the lives of a handful of students. The looks on the children's faces today when I told them it would be our last time was absolutely heartbreaking, as were the questions that followed. "Why? You don't like us anymore?" When explaining to my kindergarteners that I had to go to school and that was why I wouldn't be coming back, my little friend Monkey* looked up at me with the most serious look I had seen on his face all semester. "Will you miss us, Tina?" I told them that of course I would miss them, which was the complete truth. He sighed. "I'm going to miss you. A lot." Coming from a six-year old that I saw once a week during a time span of two and a half months, this was more than touching. It was one of the most rewarding things anyone has ever said to me. As I was bringing them back to their classroom, I noted that in comparison to the usual race they had amongst themselves to get back first, this time they were hanging back, and when we started to go down the stairs, each of them was holding one of my hands. After long hugs and sad goodbyes, I went upstairs to the first grade classroom.

I don't really know what I was expecting. My first graders have since day one been rowdy and fresh with each other, almost to the point of disrespecting me. To my surprise, they were even more shocked than my kindergarteners at the news that it was our last session! They were on their best behavior for the remainder of the half hour that we spent reading. When time was up, we went back upstairs, but I was a little surprised that Pinky*, who had always held my hand going upstairs and then given me a hug each time before I left, ran ahead of me and straight into the classroom without even looking back. I went in to say goodbye to the teacher, and got big hugs and smiles from my other two kids, but Pinky wouldn't even look at me. I knelt down so I was at her eye level and asked if she was alright. "You're leaving us, Tina" was the simple response she gave with tears in her eyes, bringing tears to mine. She threw her arms around my neck and sniffled onto my shoulder as I tried to think of something to say. I was speechless.
Walking out of the school I wondered what would happen. If I would ever see these children again. I'd like to say yes, and I'd like to believe that with all my heart, but the sad part is that I just don't know. I guess that's what happens when you're a teacher. Maybe this is something you have to learn to deal with. You're such an important figure in the lives of your students, but only while you're their teacher (in most cases). You build unbelievable bonds with them, share so much together while learning from one another. But in the end, only circumstance will tell if you will ever meet again once they walk out of your classroom - or in my case, when you walk out of theirs.